When I decided to move back to my hometown I was so drained that even the decision to move back was extremely difficult to make. I was emotionally exhausted and all I could think of was running away and hiding until I got better. Sometimes I think that I ran away, but I don’t regret my decision. Rather than running with no purpose only because you don’t want to hurt your pride and give up, I think it’s better to know when it’s the time to take a step back and watch the whole situation from a distance.
I remember that it was so difficult to decide to move back here that I couldn’t sleep for the whole month prior to my moving. I was extremely stressed because it was the first time I was giving up. It felt so strange and new. Sometimes I felt like a coward. I was ashamed of running away. I was ashamed that I needed a break at the age where I was suppossed to move mountains and conquer the world with youth and boldness. I was taught that this is what young people are supposed to do.
When I arrived home, it was summer. The green grass, the flowers were everywhere and the beautiful trees surrounding our house, it was like everything was calling me here, to come and rest for as much as I needed. I felt so much peace like I never felt before. Drinking coffee on the bacony with the most rural and beautiful view, cooking outside with the most delicious vegetables, watching the night sky where you can actually see the stars. Everything was so perfect and calm. But it lasted for about 3 months.
Soon the summer was about to end and I felt again restless. I wanted to rest more, but at the same time I felt like I was going to be left behind. Also, I realized that I had missed so much the countryside that I got to romanticize it in the first months. Then reality hit me again and I knew that living in the countryside doesn’t always equate to watching beautiful flowers, laying on the grass in the garden or smelling the nice air after a good summer rain. No, countryside is also about weeding the garden, watering the plants, and other hard works that your parents do and you can’t simply watch.
Soon enough I started to do both my full-time job and help my parents outside as much as time allowed me. Doing only those things, I started to think that I neglected my personal development. The pressure was always there. The pressure that you must not stay behind. The society is extremely competitive and hardworking people can be found everywhere. I thought that I must rethink my methods and start a plan to develop myself as much as I could. I started journaling, blogging, reading more, losing weight, learning a new language, involve in extra activities at work. I tried to do my best in any situation.
Here I am again. Not as exhausted as before, but somehow tired of trying too much. When I was thinking about this, ironically, I remembered the name of my blog and my original intention of living at a slower pace in a world that encourages competitiveness and a fast rhythm. I almost forgot about the way I wanted to live.
However, I learned that even if my intention is clear, my road will not be always straight, without little stones that might make me trip. The road could be full of obstacles, big or small, thus I have to be prepared to adjust my ways to fit to any situation.
Today, with a clear intention, I take a step back and try to slow down. Today I choose to do one thing at a time and listen to my body. Today I choose to be productive in stillness.
I hope you know when to take a step back and take care of yourselves.